Chapter 1: The Weight of Words

Today, I composed a suicide note.

It was the most challenging 115 words I have ever crafted.

LIFE | WRITING | WRITING TIPS | NOVEL WRITING

If the title wasn't clear, this piece addresses sensitive subjects. As writers, we have the unique opportunity to create myriad lives and worlds, from fragile glass landscapes to talking animals. The joy of bringing something into existence from nothing is unparalleled.

However, the writing journey is not always filled with light and joy. Depending on our chosen genres, we may confront topics we would prefer to avoid. Today was one of those days. My current project delves into the physical and emotional unraveling of a man grappling with grief.

For him, depression has become an unwelcome companion, and during the opening scene, we meet Reuben as he writes his suicide note.

I consider myself fortunate; I have not personally experienced suicide in my close family or friend circles. While I've encountered depression during difficult times, it has never been a constant presence in my life. Thus, I found myself needing to delve into research. How does one go about researching suicide?

Typing "how to write a suicide note" into Google was an experience I found uncomfortable. My finger hesitated over the enter key, gripped by an overwhelming sense of guilt. I wasn't being disrespectful or trivializing the issue; quite the opposite was true. I aimed to honor those who have been impacted by this tragedy.

It was then that I realized the depth of my guilt: no matter what I read or discovered, I would never fully comprehend the pain. My life has been relatively privileged, free from the weight of such struggles. But Privilege Doesn't Mean I Can't Learn.

As I read, I often find myself evaluating the material. Nothing frustrates me more than when someone's suffering is reduced to a mere character trait. I use quotation marks around "misfortune" to clarify my intent. By misfortune, I mean events affecting a character—such as a medical condition, mental health struggles, loss, or disability. Some might take offense at the term, and I acknowledge that complexity.

This conundrum illustrates the challenges of accurately representing such sensitive topics. Learning, for me, occurs in one of two ways: through extensive research and note-taking or by immersing myself in the topic and absorbing knowledge via osmosis. In this instance, the latter was neither feasible nor appropriate. So, I resorted to reading—a lot of reading.

Did you know that there are compilations of celebrity suicide notes? I certainly did not. However, such lists exist, and some are even ranked, though I'm unsure what criteria they use. I chose to avoid those specific websites.

After sifting through several search results, I noticed a pattern: the same few notes circulated repeatedly, offering little insight. Many were mere snippets, and due to the celebrity status of the authors, I couldn't help but feel their notes were curated to protect their legacies. What I needed was raw, human emotion.

And That Is Where Things Became Real.

Reddit, while not the most reliable source, hosts subreddits where individuals gather to discuss virtually any topic. In my search, I discovered communities of people mourning friends and family who had taken their own lives. The stories shared were profoundly moving and informative.

Witnessing the final thoughts of these strangers was, I admit, voyeuristic. Yet, there was no joy in this experience. Writing often compels us into dark places, and I found a common thread in the narratives I encountered. The outward demeanor of those lost rarely hinted at their internal struggles. There were no cries for help, no drastic mood shifts. In fact, on several occasions, the act of suicide followed days filled with laughter and joy.

The most recurring element? Almost every note I read began or ended with an apology: "I'm sorry."

That struck me deeply. To feel so lost, so terrified, and so tormented, yet to apologize as one's final thought is heart-wrenching. I can't fully imagine the inner chaos, but I'm trying to learn through the stories of those left behind and the final words penned by their loved ones.

Today, I managed to write a 115-word suicide note. It was all I could express after my research. I feared that if I attempted to delve deeper without a shift in focus, I would spiral into a darkness I wasn't prepared to confront.

115 words.

I hope I did it justice.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Numerous resources are available online.

Chapter 2: Insights from the Journey

In the video "Steven Willis - Instead of a Suicide Note, I Wrote This," the speaker shares a powerful narrative that sheds light on the complexities of mental health and the impact of suicide. Through personal insights and reflections, he offers a glimpse into a life marked by struggle and hope.

The PBS Short Docs video "Suicide Note: A Poet's Journey Through Depression" explores the poignant journey of a poet grappling with mental health challenges. This short documentary provides a moving perspective on the realities of depression and the importance of connection and understanding.