Perfectionism as Codependency

Could we view perfectionism as a variant of codependency? One interpretation of codependency is that your self-worth hinges on others' opinions of you. It’s plausible to think that perfectionists are engaged in the act of managing how others perceive them.

Many who identify as perfectionists might argue that it's an inherent trait. They claim to pursue perfection for their own sake or take pride in their relentless achievements. It's time to challenge these convictions.

Perfectionism as a Response to Trauma

If perfectionism feels nearly impossible to relinquish, it could be classified as a compulsive behavior. The primary indicator of unresolved trauma is such compulsivity, suggesting that perfectionism may be a response to trauma.

Trauma occurs when our nervous systems are overwhelmed by experiences of helplessness, and childhood is often when individuals feel the most powerless.

What if I proposed that perfectionism is a maladaptive coping mechanism formed in childhood to elicit attention, love, and support from caregivers who were failing to provide them adequately? This could have become your default approach to connecting with others.

Would you accept this perspective, or do you believe you were born a perfectionist?

Perfectionism as a Conscious Decision

Many people genuinely believe that perfectionism is a conscious choice. However, if it’s something you cannot stop, it’s not a choice by definition. “I could stop if I wanted to” is not a compelling justification.

Another way to define codependency is exchanging authenticity for connection—self-neglect as a means to gain acceptance. While it’s unlikely any perfectionist is doing this intentionally, trauma responses are often not consciously chosen.

If you wear your perfectionism as a badge of honor and disregard the anxiety and stress it brings, it’s crucial to understand that you have alternatives.

You could continue to cling to your fear-driven obsession with avoiding mistakes, thus distancing yourself from the human experience and evading the necessity for vulnerability and humility to escape shame and rejection.

Alternatively, you could explore your behavioral patterns with a compassionate mindset and consider seeking professional guidance.

The decision rests with you.

Adam Murauskas is a relationship coach and a Medium top writer. In 2019, he and his wife Rebecca left their careers to move to Panamá, dedicated to helping others heal. Take a complimentary relationship quiz at FixYourPicker.com or connect with daily insights on Instagram @fixyourpicker.