Overcoming Gaslighting: 5 Essential Lessons Learned
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Chapter 1: The Desire for Understanding
Growing up, there was one gadget I yearned for more than anything else. No, it wasn’t a gaming console or the latest tech; it was a small tape recorder. The reason? Throughout my childhood, I often found myself in heated disputes with my mother, who would dismiss my recollections with phrases like: “That never occurred,” “I never said such a thing!” and “You’re imagining it.”
This constant back-and-forth was incredibly frustrating. It felt like a never-ending battle of my word against hers, and in many Asian households, children rarely prevail. Although I was convinced of my truth, I often felt lost and doubted my own sanity.
I wished I could secretly record our conversations to play back the evidence whenever she contradicted my memories, and there was a name for her behavior: gaslighting.
How Gaslighting Functions
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where an individual or group causes someone to doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sanity. Victims often experience confusion, anxiety, and a loss of self-trust. According to Robin Stern, Ph.D., a psychoanalyst and associate director at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence:
“The emotional erosion during such instances convinces the victim that they might be fabricating scenarios, when in fact, their feelings and experiences are entirely valid.”
The pain stems from the fact that even with substantial evidence on your side, a gaslighter can easily invalidate your experience, leaving you feeling unsupported.
For instance, my mother would often rearrange my belongings without my knowledge. When I confronted her, her typical response was, “I didn’t touch anything!” She would then shift the blame back to me, suggesting I was the one at fault. This left me in a state of emotional turmoil—angry yet unable to express that anger due to her denial.
Ultimately, this behavior led to a long struggle with low self-esteem, which I battled for years. However, through persistent effort, I began to regain my self-worth and mental clarity. Here are five crucial lessons I learned that can help you overcome gaslighting.
1. Acknowledge Your Emotions
Many assert that you shouldn’t allow yourself to feel upset because “that’s what a gaslighter wants.” However, suppressing your emotions only leads to internal conflict.
“Hiding your core feelings takes an enormous amount of energy, it saps your motivation to pursue worthwhile goals, and it leaves you feeling bored and shut down… Only after you identify the source of these responses can you start using your feelings as signals of problems that require your urgent attention… the critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes and an enormous amount of courage.”
— Bessel van der Kolk, MD, “The Body Keeps The Score”
As Caroline Myss stated, “Your biography becomes your biology.” Thus, it’s vital to acknowledge your feelings rather than bury them.
2. Recognize Gaslighting
One of the challenges I faced was not realizing I was being gaslighted. I only learned the term at the age of 33! Growing up, I sensed something was off, but I lacked the vocabulary to articulate my experience. Others often dismissed my feelings, insisting that my parents only acted out of love.
It’s normal for anyone to forget details occasionally, but if someone routinely fails to acknowledge their mistakes, especially when confronted, it’s important to recognize the pattern of behavior.
3. Avoid Engaging with Gaslighters
Many well-meaning individuals would suggest that I talk to my mother about my feelings. They believed that open communication would resolve the situation. However, you cannot reason with someone who is fundamentally toxic. Their warped perspective will only drag you down.
After countless attempts to communicate, I never once succeeded in changing her mind. My pleas were met with denial or accusations that I was “too sensitive.” Accepting that you cannot change others is painful, but necessary for your own well-being.
4. Create Distance
Maintaining relationships with gaslighters can jeopardize your mental and emotional health. It’s essential to prioritize your happiness and sanity over toxic connections.
Establish boundaries and limit interactions. Failing to do so creates a damaging cycle of hurt and self-neglect that can be hard to escape.
5. Foster Inner Stability
It took significant effort for me to rebuild trust in myself and my emotions. I had to learn to advocate for myself after years of being silenced.
Understanding the patterns of manipulation in my life was crucial to breaking free. As Carl Jung noted, unresolved inner conflicts can manifest in external situations:
“The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious it happens outside, as fate.”
Healing is challenging, but it is the only path to genuine freedom. Avoid seeking revenge on gaslighters; it won’t contribute to your healing. Focus instead on reclaiming your life.
And that’s how you navigate the complexities of gaslighting.
This first video, "How to Deal with Gaslighting | Ariel Leve," provides practical strategies for recognizing and addressing gaslighting in your life.
The second video, "5 Ways to Deal with Gaslighting and Regain Control of Your Life," outlines actionable steps to help you regain your agency and confidence.