Chapter 1: Understanding Self-Image

Changing the way we perceive ourselves is not a quick process. Many of us grapple with internalized criticisms that distort our self-view. Acknowledging that we are loved is a significant step in enhancing our self-esteem.

Time and again, I found myself pondering why I could only focus on my shortcomings. Why was self-criticism a constant companion? Why did I struggle to recognize any positive attributes? Why was it so challenging to accept sincere compliments? Why was there a barrier preventing these affirmations from reaching my heart?

After enduring years of maltreatment, I finally encountered individuals who recognized my worth, my contributions, and my emotions. Yet, every attempt to affirm my accomplishments felt like it hit a wall, unable to penetrate the defenses I had erected around my self-image. This ongoing struggle raised a crucial question:

Why can’t I accept it?

It was during one of these frustrating moments that I had a revelation: What if I viewed myself through the lens of those who genuinely care for me and treated myself as such? While this idea seemed simple, it turned out to be profoundly transformative.

Often, I dismiss the support and affection from those who care about me in favor of a single negative critique. I tend to invalidate these positive affirmations, perceiving them as biased due to emotional ties. Additionally, for someone who has faced abuse, especially where every action invites harsh criticism, it becomes incredibly tough to accept positive feedback as truth.

I longed to believe the kind words directed toward me, but deep down, I felt like an imposter—someone unworthy of such praise. I feared that if others saw my true self, they would realize how mistaken they were. But what if they weren't?

What if I was the one misjudging the situation? What if treating every negative remark as gospel and dismissing every positive comment as unfounded was the real deception? How transformative would that realization be? How would it reshape my decisions and enhance my self-worth? How could it bolster my confidence, empowering me to pursue my dreams?

What if I consciously chose to recognize the goodness within me?

If you're familiar with the show Ted Lasso, you may recall a poignant moment between Ted and his close friend, Coach Beard. If you haven't seen it yet, proceed with caution as there may be spoilers.

In this scene, they observe a video of a former colleague, Nate, attempting to undermine the team. However, as the footage unfolds, Nate's actions reveal a more pitiable side. Rather than expressing anger, Lasso responds with a profound statement:

"I hope that either all of us, or none of us, are judged by the actions of our weakest moments, but rather by the strength we show when and if we are given a second chance."

This insightful remark prompts both Coach Beard and the audience to reconsider their judgments of Nate. It serves as a reminder that we are all fallible. We all falter and make mistakes.

As the series progresses, Nate's redemption underscores how the perspectives of those who genuinely care about us shape our self-worth. Why delve into this narrative? Because it exemplifies how the people who love us see our true selves, even when we struggle to recognize that within ourselves.

Just as Lasso understood Nate's deeper motivations and pain, those who care for us can see beyond our flaws. Instead of focusing on the shame, hurt, and vulnerability we perceive, our loved ones recognize the potential for redemption.

Chapter 2: The Power of Perspective

For far too long, I viewed myself through the lens of my abusers: as inadequate, unworthy, and deeply flawed. Yet, those were not the individuals who truly understood me. The ones who genuinely know me perceive me in a completely different light.

These are not merely people clouded by affection; they are the ones who witness my highs and lows, who hear my cries and laughter, and who observe every mistake alongside every triumph. They see all facets of me and choose to love me anyway.

The individuals who care for me appreciate my character and spirit. They may witness my shortcomings, but they certainly don't let those overshadow the good within me. Unfortunately, for a long time, their affirmations and love bounced off the impenetrable armor I built around my heart, forged from years of trauma.

But what if I could break free from those limitations? What if I chose to think and live differently? What if I desired something better for myself? Is it even possible?

We often forget that we possess power, control, and the ability to make choices in our lives. At some point, someone—often an abuser—defines who we are, and we internalize that narrative. We embody it and assume that anyone who offers a different view is simply deceived by our façade.

As a result, we traverse life with the belief that we are inherently flawed and unworthy. Anyone who claims otherwise simply doesn't understand how we've "tricked" them.

But I ask again: What if that belief is fundamentally false? What if the affirmations, compliments, and love we receive are genuine? What if they reflect the truth of who we are?

Imagine what could happen if we embraced the idea that we are worthy. What if we dared to be courageous enough to let each compliment sink in and nourish our neglected spirits? What if we challenged the automatic thoughts that lead us to self-condemnation?

Consider how differently we could live if we viewed ourselves through the eyes of those who know us best—those who love us.

Today, I challenge you to confront the instinctual self-loathing that emerges whenever you achieve something. Reject the criticisms and dismiss the lingering scars from past insults. Allow the words of those who genuinely love you to soothe your wounded spirit.

And with time, may you come to accept the truth they see in you—if you have the courage to try.

If you enjoyed this piece, would you consider buying me a cup of coffee? If not, your support through reading is still greatly appreciated. Thank you for being part of this journey!