Chapter 1: The Struggle Within

“I’m not at ease around you because I’m not at ease within myself.”

Photo provided by the author.

At the age of 19, I began a mental countdown—a clock set for five years, leading to a day I envisioned as my last. It sounds extreme, doesn't it? Perhaps overly dramatic, but at the time, I believed it was a logical response to my struggles. My life revolved around fears and insecurities, compounded by undiagnosed anxiety, depression, and ADHD. I merely thought of myself as a high-achieving individual wrestling with chaos.

Undiagnosed mental health issues often manifest as more than just emotional turmoil; they form the very lens through which one views the world. Here’s how I shattered the perspective that dominated my first 23 years.

“You're thinking too much.”

I can't count how many times I've heard those three words. Admittedly, it's a bit embarrassing. Yet sometimes, overthinking propels me toward excellence. It allows me to dissect situations, devise solutions, and formulate strategies that others might overlook. My tendency to overthink enhances my self-awareness as a writer and contributes to my success in Jiu-Jitsu.

However, this is only one side of the coin. Overthinking also leads me to believe that my friends don’t care when they don’t reach out. It drives me to push my limits in pursuit of goals, often at the expense of my well-being, and at times, it made me feel that death was a better option.

“I just can’t be comfortable around _____ yet.” This was my go-to explanation for my social awkwardness. I placed the blame for my struggles on others, claiming that I couldn’t connect because of my discomfort with them. I let my insecurities dictate my passions, believing that fields like writing were saturated with talent and that Jiu-Jitsu was too challenging for me.

This limited mindset rendered my life monotonous, even if it appeared exciting from the outside. Each moment was overshadowed by my desperate attempt to conceal my insecurities. I was insecure about my very insecurities—an exhausting cycle. Here’s how I broke free.

First, I had to dismiss the self-help noise.

This might seem hypocritical, as this article could be categorized as “self-help,” but please hear me out. Many self-help resources exploit the insecurities of their audience. If we all embraced our flaws and accepted our life circumstances, the self-help industry would lose its purpose. They typically address mild to moderate mental health issues without treating the root causes.

Self-help often provides temporary fixes for deeper wounds. While there is merit in it, I found that too many people lean excessively on self-help solutions. To overcome my darkest insecurities, I needed to silence the external voices that filled my mind. I had to learn to think for myself and understand my genuine thoughts.

Section 1.1: Time for Reflection

I spent a significant amount of time alone, contemplating my experiences. Before 2021, breakups didn’t have a profound impact on me. However, this year’s breakup felt like a blow to my identity. I had been deeply invested in a relationship, and its sudden end forced me to rebuild who I was without relying on my partner.

This experience made it clear that happiness couldn’t stem from others; I had to find it within myself. I needed solitude to figure things out, and it took about six months to embark on this journey.

Subsection 1.1.1: Embracing Solitude

For a long time, I dreaded being alone. I wasn’t fond of “being alone with my thoughts.” I disliked myself, and the idea of spending time with my own company felt daunting. My emotional state was often dictated by the volatile emotions of those around me.

If someone was upset, I absorbed that negativity. If they were proud, I felt elevated. This exhausting dynamic prompted me to distance myself from those who brought stress into my life. I needed a change of scenery, even if it seemed selfish.

I moved into a small place alone, started a new job, and forged new friendships while distancing myself from those who drained my energy. Over time, I found that I actually enjoyed my own company. I realized I wanted to be around those who valued my presence—no more chasing or impressing others.

Chapter 2: Closing Thoughts

I didn’t discover self-improvement through self-help books; I found it through philosophy. Friedrich Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra played a significant role in my mental transformation. Ironically, despite Nietzsche’s eventual madness, his insights have brought clarity to my life. Like Zarathustra, I stepped back from my surroundings, allowing me to clear my mind for the first time.

A clear mind is the most effective antidote to fear and insecurity.

Video Insights

To further explore the journey of overcoming insecurity, check out these insightful videos:

This video titled HOW TO: STOP BEING INSECURE! OVERCOMING INSECURITY 101 delves into practical strategies for overcoming self-doubt and insecurity.

In this video, How to Stop Being Insecure, you’ll learn valuable tips and perspectives on building self-confidence and embracing your true self.